My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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