this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
