Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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