That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
