dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
