Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
