Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The air was thick with penises
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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