What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
