Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
