does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
