I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
A bitchslap is in order.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
