Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
