He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
