Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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