mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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