Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
