I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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