he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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