why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
