i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
