I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
