Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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