so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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