That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just had sex bonerless
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
