Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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