I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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