Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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