you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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