I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
