I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
