I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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