ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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