Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
