Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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