he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
