She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
