did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
