since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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