i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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