New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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