I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
