I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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