so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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