dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
