quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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