end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My ATM looks so different sober.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
