I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
As shirtless as possible
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
