dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
