I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
