I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
